जो सही प्रतिबिम्ब उकेरे जिससे एक सही परख बने अक्सर अपने ही भीतर उठी प्रतिध्वनित आवाज सुनकर अपने बारे में राय कायम की जाती हैं पर हर बार आभास होता हैं पक्षपात के हावी होने का अगर कोई तारीफ करे तो उलझन होती है अगर कोई आलोचना करे मन टूट जाता है उस आइने की
Beginning is important before it is too late. Otherwise opportunities shut their doors. So much time has been already lost. Time is money and it is necessary to understand its significance. Your soul has been living dual life. You always show your jolly side to your own people but hide sadness. You want to showcase your real-self but get afraid of consequences.
Society never allows you to live alternate life. Joining mainstream life is not only your misery but also compulsion to survive in this world. No one respects your aspirations. Just accept that society is your mirror. Whatever you see in it is reality. There is no value of your inner soul.
Why? Even after spending 27 years of life, why are you not free? You don’t even have right to express your feelings. Traditions indicate- keep quiet! People will be happy with you till the time you are silent. When silence converts into words, criticisms are at your doorstep.
My Dairy
10-march-2005
Strange feeling is surrounding which stops me to feel own-ness in my place. I think enough but feel hesitation to express them. I suppose no one is there to understand my feelings. Everyone around me speaks volume. They all are flying in the sky of complexities. I am in doubt, if anyone gives importance to my down to earth conversations. Many years ago, I was able to showcase myself in spiritual way. Whatever was in my mind, the same was in my speech. Anyway, I should try again; I should give space to transparency. Self-domination process should be ended.
11-march-2005
Today I realize I have been living within the limits. The range of knowledge is too small. I have a desire to increase the range but don’t know the way. Whenever I start making conversation with anybody, I establish myself as mere listener. I don’t get courage to speak anything from my side. It happens because I have no words to verbalize. Consequently, my assertiveness fails. My life becomes like that book of library which no one issues. Time has come which tells me to participate in the race of expressing myself in big way. The way of articulation would be impressive so that attraction develops. The simple ‘Yes’ to every question should be ruled out. I have to make my own opinion. To make this opinion strong one, there should be increase in the range of knowledge. In the light of knowledge, our words get solid base which no one denies.
29-march-2005
Till today I have been fooling myself of defining me in other’s words. I forgot that I have my own conviction. I can understand things well. Many a times I feel the depth of emotions in my heart. I never wanted that anybody else take over my life. I never wanted to be like puppets. I want to live life my own terms. I have several desires. There is one soul who thinks I need him most. Although his willingness to help me is pure, yet at this point of time I don’t need any kind of assistance. I want to be self-dependent. Today anybody’s help seems like load. But that soul is forcefully offering me help and trying to hypnotize me so that I see world through his eyes. I can’t tolerate his dominant nature while he converse with me. In his company I don’t able to think my own way and fail to express my feeling openly. He dominates in every sphere of my life which is intolerable. Since I feel his presence 24 hours, I fail to feel my own identity. He doesn’t even allow me to enjoy few silent moments of loneliness. He has started movement to reform me. His conversation is loaded with literature which seems like instructions to me. I don’t like his advising nature. He always tries to pin-point my mistakes. I am feeling suffocated. Without knowing my opinion, he has weaved future for me. I suppose he has developed misunderstandings that I will follow his every advice. I am impressed with his literary height. He is succeeded to dominate me with his loads of helps. But, that is not truth. The wall of misunderstandings will perish. In the past, I gave several hints of my moods which deny his company. Few days ago, I straight-way spoke my heart to him that reflects my anger. He agreed that he would not interfere with my personnel matter. But, gradually, with the help of his debatable power, he started proving me wrong and made his point worthwhile. Actually I was weak as I became submissive. I always wanted to say ‘No’ to his argument but somehow agreed. It happened because I didn’t have words to support my No’s. Now things have become worst. If I don’t protest, living normal life would be impossible. I have a fear that my opposition will break him. He has made lots of expectations from me but it is like custody. I want to break this possession. It might be I am wrong in my thinking. It might be his association will help me to reach the peak of success. But at this moment I am feeling suffocated. I can’t even live with him for one second.
30-march-2005
Today everything is clear. One thing which kept in my heart for many days has been released. I am free without any boundary but his expectation is torn out it into pieces I realized his true colour when he started counting his facilitation to me. I never asked for help.Every time he came forward to hold my hand and that too vehemently. He made me realize every moment that he was helping me by all means. He was very proud of his wide horizon of knowledge. With the help of that, he underestimated others. Although he was young at age, yet talked like philosopher in pure literary language. His philosophy was like teachings. I always made silence when he started. Gradually I felt that in his company I was losing my own identity.It was like asking permission from him to breathe. Anyway, Today I cleared webs made by him. I wished him good luck. I wished he will change his behaviour. If you love somebody don’t try to dominate him/her. If you dominate, relationships will not develop.
04-April-2005
Today I measured my ego. Most often I don’t live openly under its control. Nowadays my eyes meet several people who offer me welcome gesture but somehow feel hesitation to come forward to hold my hand. Actually they don’t like my dull face. I have a fear if this ego becomes my attitude. It is wrong to underestimate others. Every other soul teaches us lessons of life. Learning is continuous process if our zeal is never ending. The better way to know other is to make conversation. While conversing, give him a fair chance to talk. It let you realize how wrong you were in your assumption about him. Conversation is the best way to judge anybody.
17-April-2005
Today I did lot of self-conversations. In entire day, I talked one or two times. Those conversations were mere a necessity or a question. In real sense, it would be wrong to define them as conversations. Conversation is a both end affair. During that period, one talk and other listens in a comfortable environment. It is a face to face exchange of each other’s feelings and thoughts. Anyway, I want to go beyond that definition so that I can express few lines of my self-conversations. As usual I wake up late. Countless questions were arousing in my mind. The first question was regarding my loneliness. Why don’t I complain about it? Disconnection with whole world for sometimes doesn’t mean we accepted loneliness forever,
20-April-2005
Today I took one big decision. I don’t know whether it turns into reality or not. Anyway, this decision has made my vision strong. I am not in the race of getting momentary success. Success means making difference to life, not in the form of settled life full of materialistic happiness but in spirits that develops excitement to go ahead.
